Monthly Archives: January 2012

One for the money…

This past weekend, after asserting our dominance over beasts of the sea (sushi), the wife and I partook in a movie. This in itself isn’t so strange, the strange part is that I had an active interest in a movie that didn’t feature lasers, monsters,  gratuitous breasts (well…more on this in a bit), or robots turning into things that beat up other things that turn into robots. No, we saw One for the money, based on the first in about 200,000 Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich.

The reason for my interest in this movie was because myself and my wife actually listened to a few of these books in audio form back when we worked together doing data entry. As an aside, feeling nostalgic about a mind-numbing job like data entry is a strong argument for staying in school, or going back to school. Seriously. Still, I found myself surprised by how much I liked these books. They were light-hearted and fun, while still having pretty some intense action scenes at times, and likeable characters. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw the trailer recently. I had always wondered why they hadn’t turned these books into a series of films yet, it seemed like a no-brainer.

So, how was it? Well, it’s been so long since I’ve “read” the book, that I don’t remember how closely the movie followed the book, but the tone is matched quite nicely. I liked the cast, although I’d always hoped Dwayne “The Rock”Johnson would be cast as Ranger, and Katherine Heigl was likeable in the lead role, despite claims that she’s not as likeable in everyday life.

If I may digress for just a moment for some chauvinism, doesn’t it seem like every part Katherine Heigl plays requires her to take her shirt off at some point? It must be vital to the story that we get to see her in her bra…that or directors can’t work those little hooks. That seems feasible too.

they're PLUM tricky...get it?

Anyway, the movie held onto that same light-hearted fun, while still offering up some intense moments. Stephanie Plum still seems to get by on dumb luck half the time, and screw up the rest in comedic ways. I very much like that this is not an empowerment story. It’s a story where the protagonist just happens to be female, it’s not a “girl power” thing. I don’t like it when people get empowered, it’s obnoxious. I like a nice level playing field where we all try to claw our way out of the day-to-day ooze together as a similarlly-doomed collective.

uh huh...tone and mood...lighting and...huh?

All in all though, I really liked this movie. It was a nice change of pace from the usual explosion-filled or surrealist filth that I typically ingest, and I really hope that they go on to make many sequels, they certainly have enough source material to draw from. If you’ve been on the fence about this one, go see it, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

...screw it...weeeeeeeeee!

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Filed under boobs, boooks, Humor, lasers, movies, the rock

They shoot Broncos, don’t they?…please?!?

With the recent premier of the Napoleon Dynamite animated series, I recently got the wild hair up my ass to rewatchh the beloved movie it was based on. Note that I’m already resorting to vulgarity, this is a bad sign. Somehow, perhaps because of massive amounts of brain damage, I chose instead to rewatch Gentlemen Broncos. It took every ounce of restraint I have not to type Gentlemen fucking Broncos. That restraint is now gone. Note that I said rewatch. Someone once said that the definition of stupidity (or insanity, depending on who’s quoting) is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. So this is what I’m doing now; expecting different results. Fuck me.

Gentleman Broncos was written and directed by Jared Hess, the same man who wrote and directed Napoleon Dynamite. This is wildly obvious as the whole movie has that same stink that made Napoleon Dynamite the instant classic that it is. This, however, feels like they went bacck to the same well, only to find that someone had shit in it. The film opens promisingly enough, with the cast and crew’s names integrated onto what looks like old 70-80’s era sci-fi novel covers. I have a soft spot in my heart for that kind of old-timey sci-fi art, so I was optimistic. Then the movie started, and I started to get pissed.

The films tels the story of young Benjamin Purvis, an aspiring writer who goes to a weekend writing camp annd meets his favorite writer, who ggoes on to steal his masterpiece story and pass it off as his own. He also meets Tabatha; the insufferable love interest of this story, and Lonnie, who basically is Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite if Pedro was gay and didn’t knowe it…and also a hideously pretentious piece of shit.

And that’s the thing; where Napoleon Dynamite was quirky while stopping just short of being pretentious, and populated with characters that were slightly off-kilter in ways that made them seem charming, Gentemen Broncos is filled with characters that all seem to have something terribly wrong with them, annd are alll so full of shit that they are all so unlikable that even the protagonists that we’re supposed to be pulling for seem just eerie enough that we’d cross the street to avoid making eye contact with them.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

Wait, what was that?!? Whoever edited that trailer should have not only won an award, but edited the actual movie. That looked halfway watchable.

Seriously, this movie feels like a desperate attempt to prove that Napoleon Dynamite wasn’t a fluke, and does a lot to hurt that theory. There are things wrong in this movie that go so far beyond “delightfully quirky” that they demand explanation, yet are passed off as normal. I was ok with Napoleon wearing snow boots in the summer, that was within reason, but why does Benjamin live in a fucking ball-shaped house? Why is there a machinegun store in the mall, seen only in the background, but not actually mentioned? That’s not normal. These people all seem to be suffering from some sort of mental disease, and possibly should be euthanized. With a hammer.

There is the occasional chuckkle to be had in this movie, but…well…sometimes crap has peanuts in it too…if you catch my meaning.

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Filed under Humor, movies

Back in the day…

I’m getting old. I accept that. I’ve also come to realize that things from my time are just simply better than things from now. Well, mostly. It’s a given that some things, like computers, phones, video games, have progressed and improved over the years. Some things however, like humans, cereal, pizza, well, these things have taken quite a dip in quality.

Strawberry Krispies

Back in the early 1980’s, or as I like to call it, “The golden age of Krispies”, Rice Krispies came in three flavors; normal, chocolate, and strawberry. I’m not talking about that “rice Krispies with strawberries” bullshit either, I mean actual honest to goodness pink Krispies that turned your milk pink.

No one seems to remember this but me.  I say this with all seriousness, I have met one other person that remembers this, and I made him the best man at my wedding. My priorities kick your priorities asses. I can’t even find a picture of Strawberry Krispies on the internet, and this bothers me because you can find pictures of ANYTHING on the internet.

Batman taking a piss. Enjoy.

And that was disturbingly easy to find. But when I look for a picture of Strawberry Krispies?

Thanks, internet. Now get off of my lawn!

Little Caesar’s Pizza

I know what you’re thinking, yes, this is still a thing, but in name only. It, like my faith in my fellow man, is but a hollow shell of what it once was. I spent several months as a telemarketer, I don’t know what Little Caesar’s problem is.

Once upon a time though, that fat little emperor served up the best two feet of artery destroying goodness your once-strong dollar could buy. It came in two square shaped pies of indescribable decadence, loaded with gooey cheese and seductive toppings, wrapped in a a paper container that would be flimsy from all the sumptuous grease by the time you got it home. Yes, I have a boner now. Yes, I’m terribly confused.

Boner! Boner!

But now Little Caesar’s specializes in the “Hot and Ready” pizza, five dollars of shame and alleged cheese with a topping of your choice on a crust that may or may not be cardboard that you make sure nobody sees you take home to whatever hovel your particular shame spiral has led you to, and choke down moistened with your own tears while contemplating a dessert of whiskey and a .44 caliber bullet.

Hot and ready...your experience may vary.

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Filed under Cereal, Humor, Life, Nostalgia

And it begins…

And here we are, starting a blog…why? Other than because my wife suggested (repeatedly) that I should…I realised that I have no creative outlet, and rather than admit to the aforementioned wife that she was right, I shall instead claim that this was my idea.

It does make me think though, which is rarely a good thing, about how this is yet another iteration of what the common man has done since the beginning of the internet. The self glorification of otherwise not-so-glorious people that began with free webspace sites like geocities and evolved into things like livejournal, and now blogs. Blogs seem a bit more mature, a bit more authentic somehow, though I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s that the people that cut their teeth on those now painful to look at  checkmeout/tripod.com type sites, and moved on to the livejournal/imsodeepandsad diaries, have grown up and learned from it? Whatever the case, hopefully I’ll be able to turn this into something that people stumbling around the internet will actually want to read.

And if not, fuck ’em.

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