Oh yeah, I gots ’em. I think tonight would be a good time to discuss some opinions that many people (possibly even YOU) just plain won’t agree with. Then I’m going to explain why I’m right, so you too can join the path of rightness and agree with me. I’ll spare you all the explanation of why every girl I went to high school with was a lesbian,, and you get +2 smart people points if you get that joke without having to ask.
P.S., we can”t stop here, this is SPOILER country.
DON’T BRING BACK FIREFLY
All our friends are dead, but please, let’s entertain you.
That’s right, don’t! Now don’t get me wrong, I love Firefly,, it was a great show that should have run at least ten seasons, but did you see Serenity? I did. It wrapped the story up nicely. Sure, there are plenty more stories you could tell about those characters..but I kinda don’t want to see them. Part of what makes Joss Whedon such a great storyteller is his ability to balance an ensemble. He did the impossible with The Avengers, applying his trademark “everyone gets a piece of cake, even Milton” style to Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.
That being said, why would you want to watch a show about a spaceship full of sad people flying around missing their newly dead friends? That’s just messed up, bro.
ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN ZOMBIES
I used to love zombie movies. They were great! You also had to burn a few calories to find them. There just weren’t that many zombie movies back in the day, at least not like today, but when you found one, even if it was awful, it was pretty great.
Nowadays, zombies vare just plain fucking everywhere. When the Xbox 360 launched, Dead Rising was a must-play curiosity, just because of concept (the game itself was maddening, but that’s not the point). Now you can’t swing a dead, well, a reanimated dead human without hitting another zombie game. Not only that, but woe be unto any game that ships without a zombie bonus mode or a zombie-themed DLC.
It’s done. It’s over. Seriously. Let’s move on to something else for a while…how about mummies? Besides, you know you’ve beaten a dead (zombie) horse enough when even Star Wars is getting in on your trend.
Surely you can handle just ONE more…
Which leads me to…
THE STAR WARS PREQUELS WEREN’T THAT BAD
Joy? No, we apparently hate that here.
Sit down junior, and let daddy explain! I know defending the prequels is like saying that Hitler was “kind of cute”, but let’s take a moment to consider this one.
I was watching Attack of the Clones not long ago because the remote was all the way on the coffee table, and I was pretty damn comfy (yes, Episode 2 comfy), when it dawned on me. There were a hundred Jedi running into battle with lightsabers to fight a hundred robots with laser guns…what part of that is bad? If you answered anything but “not a damn thing”, then you need to put your pinky down and drag your pretentious ass to the nearest grain thresher for reprogramming.
No, the prequels were not as good as the OT, but that just makes them bad Star Wars movies, not bad movies, and people seem to love those, just see any zombie movie made after 2003. (see, callbacks can be fun!)
BACON AND BEARDS ARE NOT MEMEWORTHY
No memes for back hair though, and THAT takes talent
In other news, salt is salty
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this, but if you can’t find anything better to obsess over than bacon annd beards in the year 2013, then you’re obviously a time traveller from a future so fantastical that you have a right to be jaded by such duldrum like smartphones and porn with clowns in it. (98% of men on Earth can grow a beard, as well as some women). Also, we’ve known bacon was delicious since World War I. Grow up.