Monthly Archives: August 2013

One More…

Oh yeah, I forgot one. This was a big one for me about a year ago…

MASS EFFECT 3 HAD A GREAT ENDING

The manbabies are coming...and Earth is doomed.

The manbabies are coming…and Earth is doomed.

Mass Effect 3 was the finale of an epic action-RPG video game trilogy that saw an epic space war make it’s way to Earth. It was great, and everyone had a lot of fun with it…until the end. When the fan base got to the end of the game, there came a storm of butthurt so powerful that you’d think Alderaan just blew up again.

The game ends not with a sterotypical epic boss fight, but as a choice between three different endings that were, admittedly pretty similar and not very in depth. In the end, the player was left wondering just what happened to the characters that they had spent so many hours with an indeed, the galaxy at large, since the Mass Relays had been destroyed, seemingly strandinng the alien armadas that came to help in our solar system.

It was great.

Naturallly, droves of fans (who I’ll just refer to as “the internet” for simplicity, took to forums, twitter, facebook, and probably smoke signals to complain about how they had no imagination  and their video game didn’t tell them exactly everything they wanted to know in a way that happened exactly how they wanted it to.

So what does Bioware do? They cave to the entitled manbaby hordes and release a DLC that added way too much exposition to the ending. Now not only do I know what happened to the Turian fleet after the battle for Earth, but I know what they had for lunch.

Space corn

Space corn

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Unpopular Opinions…

Oh yeah, I gots ’em. I think tonight would be a good time to discuss some opinions that many people (possibly even YOU) just plain won’t agree with. Then I’m going to explain why I’m right, so you too can join the path of rightness and agree with me. I’ll spare you all the explanation of why every girl I went to high school with was a lesbian,, and you get +2 smart people points if you get that joke without having to ask.

P.S., we can”t stop here, this is SPOILER country.

DON’T BRING BACK FIREFLY

All our friends are dead, but please, let's entertain you.

All our friends are dead, but please, let’s entertain you.

That’s right, don’t! Now don’t get me wrong, I love Firefly,, it was a great show that should have run at least ten seasons, but did you see Serenity? I did. It wrapped the story up nicely. Sure, there are plenty more stories you could tell about those characters..but I kinda don’t want to see them. Part of what makes Joss Whedon such a great storyteller is his ability to balance an ensemble. He did the impossible with The Avengers, applying his trademark “everyone gets a piece of cake, even Milton” style to Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.

That being said, why would you want to watch a show about a spaceship full of sad people flying around missing their newly dead friends? That’s just messed up, bro.

ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN ZOMBIES

Braaaaaiiiiiins....grow some...

Braaaaaiiiiiins….grow some…

I used to love zombie movies. They were great! You also had to burn a few calories to find them. There just weren’t that many zombie movies back in the day, at least not like today, but when you found one, even if it was awful, it was pretty great.

Nowadays, zombies vare just plain fucking everywhere. When the Xbox 360 launched, Dead Rising was a must-play curiosity, just because of concept (the game itself was maddening, but that’s not the point). Now you can’t swing a dead, well, a reanimated dead human without hitting another zombie game. Not only that, but woe be unto any game that ships without a zombie bonus mode or a zombie-themed DLC.

It’s done. It’s over. Seriously. Let’s move on to something else for a while…how about mummies? Besides, you know you’ve beaten a dead (zombie) horse enough when even Star Wars is getting in on your trend.

Surely you can handle just ONE more...

Surely you can handle just ONE more…

Which leads me to…

THE STAR WARS PREQUELS WEREN’T THAT BAD

Joy? No, we apparently hate that here.

Joy? No, we apparently hate that here.

Sit down junior, and let daddy explain! I know defending the prequels is like saying that Hitler was “kind of cute”, but let’s take a moment to consider this one.

I was watching Attack of the Clones not long ago because the remote was all the way on the coffee table, and I was pretty damn comfy (yes, Episode 2 comfy), when it dawned on me. There were a hundred Jedi running into battle with lightsabers to fight a hundred robots with laser guns…what part of that is bad? If you answered anything but “not a damn thing”, then you need to put your pinky down and drag your pretentious ass to the nearest grain thresher for reprogramming.

No, the prequels were not as good as the OT, but that just makes them bad Star Wars movies, not bad movies, and people seem to love those, just see any zombie movie made after 2003. (see, callbacks can be fun!)

BACON AND BEARDS ARE NOT MEMEWORTHY

No memes for back hair though, and THAT takes talent

No memes for back hair though, and THAT takes talent

In other news, salt is salty

In other news, salt is salty

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this, but if you can’t find anything better to obsess over than bacon annd beards in the year 2013, then you’re obviously a time traveller from a future so fantastical that you have a right to be jaded by such duldrum like smartphones and porn with clowns in it. (98% of men on Earth can grow a beard, as well as some women). Also, we’ve known bacon was delicious since World War I. Grow up.

Yes, you.

Yes, you.

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