Monthly Archives: June 2014

Love that show!…hate that guy!

As I find myself unemployed once again, I find my TV watching time increasing again. Shocking corollary, huh? Still, I find myself thinking about how some of the shows we find ourselves watching for countless hours seem to have protagonists that aren’t necessarily all that likable. Now I’m not talking about shows like Breaking Bad, where part of the drama is watching the main character slowly change into someone worse than he was when he started. Also excluded are shows like Hannibal and Dexter where we know the protagonist is a monster, but they show us that they’re also a human being. No, what I’m talking about are cases where we’re, so it would seem, supposed to like these characters, but they just…well, suck.
Also, be prepared for spoilers.
WEEDS
She's like, almost 50...sexy, sexy Grandma...

She’s like, almost 50…sexy, sexy Grandma…

 
This one almost fell into that Breaking Bad “watch them go bad” category, but it played out differently. It starts innocently enough, suburban widow sells pot to make ends meet, but the main character, Nancy very quickly turns into someone we don’t like. Not so much because she’s doing something unscrupulous to get by, but because she becomes a self-centered, morally bankrupt little bitch in record time. Between her ruining the lives of everyone around her and fucking any shitheel that can further her selfish whims, she makes Walter White looks sympathetic.
It doesn’t help that this series ran too long for it’s own good. What took 8 seasons that drug on at times, probably could have been cleaned up into a more enjoyable 4 or 5 season run. By the time the series less than satisfying, but still emotionally draining finale rolls around, Nancy has, by way of massive head trauma (seriously), calmed her shit down, but the damage had already been done.
 
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Oh my gawd, can you believe how low the thread count is on these prison sheets?

Oh my gawd, can you believe how low the thread count is on these prison sheets?

 
Like any good honkey, I binged on two seasons of Orange is the New Black, and shall feel a profound emptiness until more is released. That being said, I noticed that the main character, Piper, quickly went from sympathetic fish out of water to someone I desperately wanted to see get shanked with a sharpened toothbrush handle. 
With it’s well-defined characters, it can be easy to forget that everyone on the show is some kind of lowlife (otherwise they wouldn’t be in prison), but despite Piper’s relatively mild crimes, being screwed over by former lover turned inmate Alex (who’s also a grade-A piece of shit) for muling drugs, her “oh no, I’m a normal girl in harsh surroundings, whatever shall I do?” routine gets real old real fast. Compound that with her straight up cheating on her Finance’, and she goes from annoying to legitimately shitty. Add to that that her cohort, Alex somehow manages to be mindbogglingly pretentious, even in fucking prison, and you’ve quite the pair of fuckups.
Like WeedsOrange is the New Black is the brainchild of Jenji Kohan, who seems to have a knack for compelling dramas starring terrible people.
 
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
 
Why yes, I am that guy from Starship Troopers.

Why yes, I am that guy from Starship Troopers.

 
I’m giving this one partial credit. Most of the cast are relatable, and even likable. The main offender here is Barney Stinson. Egomaniacal, womanizing, conniving, suit-fetishising Barney. Originator of the “Bro Code”, Barney is that friend we all have that would take a blowtorch to your genitals if it’d somehow let him squeeze your sister’s boob. Now stop and think about what kind of situation would cause those particular circumstances. Makes me glad I don’t have a sister. I don’t want my dinky melted just so that bastard can get his stupid paws on that bitch’s filthy tit. God, I hate her.
Nevertheless, everyone loves Barney. I think that’s because he’s not real. I’ve known people frighteningly like Barney in real life, and they’re a lot more fun when they’re trapped in the magic picture box.
And now to secure my spot on the couch…
 
THE GILMORE GIRLS
 
Baphomet and Mephistopholes, bouncy bouncy bounce...

Baphomet and Mephistopholes, bouncy bouncy bounce…

 
Oh damn, it feels good to say it. My wife is a HUGE Gilmore Girls fan. Seriously, she’s like nine feet tall. It’s fucking terrifying. I consider myself a Gilmore Girls survivor. I’ve sat through more hours of this show than I can count. I felt like that poor dude from Clockwork Orange.
 
La la la la lalala la la...

La la la la lalala la la…

 
Seriously, there’s something about this show that feels like a million angry bees in my head that just found out the game’s been rained out. Like…bees that are Raiders fans. I get that this show is not for me. I am not the target demographic.. That being said, I’m not the demographic for mydol either, but boy does it make me feel peppy. 
The thing that seems to elude most people though, is that these bitches are pure fucking evil. I have no problem with strong independent female protagonists, girl power, bubblegum, stickers, all that shit. Good for you, ladies, you can vote now. I vote you make me a sandwich. Regardless though, these women are fucking jerks. Think about it. Every male character in the show is either made a fool of, or manipulated terribly before these succubi get bored and ruin their lives. Take the example of Dean, brother of Dean. Strung along by Harpy the younger for months until the town bad boy shows up. at which point she dumps him like a sack of things you dump. Only when Pouty McHeroes leaves and rejects her and Dead, Brother of Dean is happily married, does she decide to bone him, thus ruining his new freedom…she also leaves him again.
This show could have been called “Two Hot Demons”, and it would have made just as much sense. The degree of shittyness that these two display over the course of…of fuck, the wife’s coming!
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Days of Future Past: Time Travel means never having to apologize for X-Men 3

Holy shit, what?!? There’s a new X-Men movie? With the old cast we loved? And the new cast we love? And they meet? First question; do they fuck? Grow up. (no, they don’t) Second question, do they fight? Fuck yeah, they fight!

Then the weird questions come up. Wasn’t Professor X in the body of a quadriplegic? How are there two Emma Frosts of differing ages in two different time periods? How come Professor X could walk in the 80’s at the end of X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Where the hell’d Nightcrawler go? Does Mystique not actually have a buttcrack? But I digress…

Days of Future Past does some really good stuff though. It’s basically an apology for every X-Men related movie since X2, an apology I’m more than willing to accept…mostly because of the giant robots brutally murdering the X-Men for two hours. Sorry Iceman. Seriously.

Hey Bobby, guess what time it is!

Hey Bobby, guess what time it is!

I may delve into spoiler territory here, so fair warning.

Also, there's Nixon.

Also, there’s Nixon.

Basically the setup is the X-Men are bummed living in the dystopia that inevitably follows a timeline where X-Men 3 and Origins: Wolverine are allowed to be canon, and the Sentinels (they don’t call them Nimrod, but they’re basically Nimrod) are wandering around murdering mutants in brutal and hilarious fashion. They arbitrarily give Shadowcat the power to send people’s brains back in time (don’t question it), and they send Wolverine back to save the franchise.

Hahahahahaha...oh shit, no!

Hahahahahaha…oh shit, no!

What follows is a really cool follow up to the events of First Class. Some really cool stuff has happened, and there are some great character moments here that are really well acted. And yes, Quicksilver steals the show. I’m suddenly less excited to see him in Age of Ultron.

Mmmm...bacony.

Mmmm…bacony.

There really weren’t a lot of jokes here…this movie is just plain good. I’m shocked that they basically made a movie out of their own reboot. Between the cameos at the end, the prospects of how deeply the timeline has been fixed, and the setup for what comes next in the end credits scene…damn dude, despite some minor plot hols to fix other plot holes (although that could be another article entirely…) this may be the best X-Men movie yet.

Yes...stay through the credits.

Yes…stay through the credits.

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