Category Archives: boobs

The return of…COSTUME IDEAS FOR FAT GUYS

It’s that time again, convention season is upon us, with Origins just having passed, and Gencon, SDCC, and Dragoncon just around the corner. “Oh no!”, you’re surely saying, “I wanted to wear a costume, but have been eating like  pig and not doing crunches!”. Well, voice in my head, you can relax, here once again, is a small list of suggestions for my more portly brethren.

 

HOUND

Payback time, Rosie!

Payback time, Rosie!

Thank you, Michael Bay, for giving us a Transformer with a weight problem. Seriously though, This fat robot from Age of Extinction stole the show. A big transformer that smokes an artillery shell like a cigar and talks like John Goodman? Yes, that’s badass. This one might be tricky to pull off, but for those with the skill to build those awesome transformer costumes we’ve all seen pictures of, this is an awesome choice.

 

GALIUS ZED/ZILIOUS ZOX

In buttery day, in fattest night...

In buttery day, in fattest night…

HOLY SHIT

HOLY SHIT

 

Green Lantern fans rejoice! These guys are…round. That counts, right? Ok, so they’re mostly giant heads, a la MODOK, but with a foot growing out of their asses, but there’s a start to work with. Choose good guy Zed, or his rage-filled brethren Zox of the Red Lantern Corps. If you want to make it even more disturbing, Zed came back as a gross Black Lantern!

 

SHADOW KING

All hail Burger, I mean Shadow King.

All hail Burger, I mean Shadow King.

Old school X-Men villain Shadow King is Charles Xavier’s psychic nemesis. They’ve had several run-ins in the past, often with him appearing in the form of his astral avatar, a big muscular blue monster. Well, tough, I’m talking about his doughy, fez-wearing human form. Still, people who get it and not think you’re dressed as fat Dr. Who will totally commend you.

 

JINBE

Ladies...

Ladies…

I don’t know a lot about the anime One Piece, but I’ve been told by a friend that this large karate fighting fishman is pretty darn cool. Well…he looks pretty cool, and that’s really what this is all about, isn’t it?

 

KINGPIN

I'll get you, Spider-Man...after lunch!

I’ll get you, Spider-Man…after lunch!

Hey look, it’s Kingpin! Everybody loves Kingpin, right? Well, except Spider-Man and Daredevil. Oh, and the Punisher. This is a nice, easy, recognizable costume that also serves as stylish eveningwear!

 

CARDINAL MONCADA

I vant to drink your gravy!

I vant to drink your gravy!

This Iconic NPC from Vampire: The Masquerade, was quite the specimen. A high-ranking member of the nefarious Sabbat, Moncada had the distinction of being morbidly obese by human standards, which practically unheard of for a vampire. This comes with the added benefit of swanky, yet breezy clerical vestments.

And one for the ladies…

FAT PRINCESS

Giiiiiirl, slice me off a piece of that...cake!

Giiiiiirl, slice me off a piece of that…cake!

If I could be serious for a moment, as hard as it is for overweight men to find costumes, it’s even worse for women. Women’s standards for costumes are so much higher because they’re expected to look like supermodels and dress like fantasy prostitutes. Well, plus-sized gals can be just as beautiful as the scrawny broads. Fat Princess was a great little game for the PSN, and the titular character makes a great, and not too revealing costume for the nerdy girls who can’t fit into a size 0.

That serious moment is now over…heheh, titular.

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Love that show!…hate that guy!

As I find myself unemployed once again, I find my TV watching time increasing again. Shocking corollary, huh? Still, I find myself thinking about how some of the shows we find ourselves watching for countless hours seem to have protagonists that aren’t necessarily all that likable. Now I’m not talking about shows like Breaking Bad, where part of the drama is watching the main character slowly change into someone worse than he was when he started. Also excluded are shows like Hannibal and Dexter where we know the protagonist is a monster, but they show us that they’re also a human being. No, what I’m talking about are cases where we’re, so it would seem, supposed to like these characters, but they just…well, suck.
Also, be prepared for spoilers.
WEEDS
She's like, almost 50...sexy, sexy Grandma...

She’s like, almost 50…sexy, sexy Grandma…

 
This one almost fell into that Breaking Bad “watch them go bad” category, but it played out differently. It starts innocently enough, suburban widow sells pot to make ends meet, but the main character, Nancy very quickly turns into someone we don’t like. Not so much because she’s doing something unscrupulous to get by, but because she becomes a self-centered, morally bankrupt little bitch in record time. Between her ruining the lives of everyone around her and fucking any shitheel that can further her selfish whims, she makes Walter White looks sympathetic.
It doesn’t help that this series ran too long for it’s own good. What took 8 seasons that drug on at times, probably could have been cleaned up into a more enjoyable 4 or 5 season run. By the time the series less than satisfying, but still emotionally draining finale rolls around, Nancy has, by way of massive head trauma (seriously), calmed her shit down, but the damage had already been done.
 
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Oh my gawd, can you believe how low the thread count is on these prison sheets?

Oh my gawd, can you believe how low the thread count is on these prison sheets?

 
Like any good honkey, I binged on two seasons of Orange is the New Black, and shall feel a profound emptiness until more is released. That being said, I noticed that the main character, Piper, quickly went from sympathetic fish out of water to someone I desperately wanted to see get shanked with a sharpened toothbrush handle. 
With it’s well-defined characters, it can be easy to forget that everyone on the show is some kind of lowlife (otherwise they wouldn’t be in prison), but despite Piper’s relatively mild crimes, being screwed over by former lover turned inmate Alex (who’s also a grade-A piece of shit) for muling drugs, her “oh no, I’m a normal girl in harsh surroundings, whatever shall I do?” routine gets real old real fast. Compound that with her straight up cheating on her Finance’, and she goes from annoying to legitimately shitty. Add to that that her cohort, Alex somehow manages to be mindbogglingly pretentious, even in fucking prison, and you’ve quite the pair of fuckups.
Like WeedsOrange is the New Black is the brainchild of Jenji Kohan, who seems to have a knack for compelling dramas starring terrible people.
 
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
 
Why yes, I am that guy from Starship Troopers.

Why yes, I am that guy from Starship Troopers.

 
I’m giving this one partial credit. Most of the cast are relatable, and even likable. The main offender here is Barney Stinson. Egomaniacal, womanizing, conniving, suit-fetishising Barney. Originator of the “Bro Code”, Barney is that friend we all have that would take a blowtorch to your genitals if it’d somehow let him squeeze your sister’s boob. Now stop and think about what kind of situation would cause those particular circumstances. Makes me glad I don’t have a sister. I don’t want my dinky melted just so that bastard can get his stupid paws on that bitch’s filthy tit. God, I hate her.
Nevertheless, everyone loves Barney. I think that’s because he’s not real. I’ve known people frighteningly like Barney in real life, and they’re a lot more fun when they’re trapped in the magic picture box.
And now to secure my spot on the couch…
 
THE GILMORE GIRLS
 
Baphomet and Mephistopholes, bouncy bouncy bounce...

Baphomet and Mephistopholes, bouncy bouncy bounce…

 
Oh damn, it feels good to say it. My wife is a HUGE Gilmore Girls fan. Seriously, she’s like nine feet tall. It’s fucking terrifying. I consider myself a Gilmore Girls survivor. I’ve sat through more hours of this show than I can count. I felt like that poor dude from Clockwork Orange.
 
La la la la lalala la la...

La la la la lalala la la…

 
Seriously, there’s something about this show that feels like a million angry bees in my head that just found out the game’s been rained out. Like…bees that are Raiders fans. I get that this show is not for me. I am not the target demographic.. That being said, I’m not the demographic for mydol either, but boy does it make me feel peppy. 
The thing that seems to elude most people though, is that these bitches are pure fucking evil. I have no problem with strong independent female protagonists, girl power, bubblegum, stickers, all that shit. Good for you, ladies, you can vote now. I vote you make me a sandwich. Regardless though, these women are fucking jerks. Think about it. Every male character in the show is either made a fool of, or manipulated terribly before these succubi get bored and ruin their lives. Take the example of Dean, brother of Dean. Strung along by Harpy the younger for months until the town bad boy shows up. at which point she dumps him like a sack of things you dump. Only when Pouty McHeroes leaves and rejects her and Dead, Brother of Dean is happily married, does she decide to bone him, thus ruining his new freedom…she also leaves him again.
This show could have been called “Two Hot Demons”, and it would have made just as much sense. The degree of shittyness that these two display over the course of…of fuck, the wife’s coming!

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Some Random Stuff…

I had one last post about horror movies to cap off October right, but WordPress decided to shit the proverbial bed and not publish or save it. Basically, watch the V/H/S/ movies, they’re pretty cool. There, now you’re all caught up.

I was going to blog about some other things, but my laptop charger decided to also shit where it sleeps in spectacular, smoke-filled fashion. That’s what I get for buying cheap, Chinese electronics. I’d say buy American, but don’t even get me started about America right now. There are a lot of things that you probably shouldn’t get me started about, but feel free. Also, my desktop, never one to be one-upped, decided to also poop the linens, hence the lack of posting.

I don’t have a lot to say about much, but I do have a little to say about a lot, so here goes nothing…

I was going to return to my roots, and post a picture of Katherine Heigl’s underwear…for the hits…but there don’t seem to be any more. Surely the end is nigh. Also, why is the end the only thing that ever seems to be nigh. I ordered a pizza from Domino’s twenty minutes ago, doesn’t it seem like maybe that’s nigh too? No, just the end.

I’m not going to dignify recent TV related events with an opinion, but I’m also of the opinion that the world would be a much happier place if people would stop feeling ways about things, or at least stop talking about them. It’s bothersome. Also, we’ve all been played like good little marionettes. Look at the birdy, kids, and ignore the wolves.

The new Robocop remake comes out soon, and that bums me out. Not just for the reason that it should bum everyone out, but because I’m sure they still won’t explain how he poops.

People seem touchier about things than they did wehen I was a kid, but about vastly different things.

Once the rest of the states legalize marijuana, can we start rallying to legalize cocaine? You know, a real man’s drug? Shit.

Jersey Shore kinda stopped being funny when they all got sober. That should say something about us as a people.

Once upon a time we all had jobs and watched shows about fictional things to unwind. Now we havve no jobs, and watch reality shows about people with jobs and wish we were like them.

New York banned ecigs so that people wouldn’t get confused because they look like cigarettes. You know what? I fucking want those people to be confused! First you get confused, then you learn something. If you don’t learn, then go dance into traffic and let the collective IQ go up a point or two. I’m tired of molly coddling the stupid. We’re impeding natural selection by protecting idiots. It’s not good for society.

“Children, God has bore a son. As such, you’re getting new bikes.” How did that happen?

I feel like Peter Jackson should get a tattoo of my battered face on his neck. Maybe I’ll talk about that next time.

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I Hate Diversity…

Now for a post that will be misunderstood and have people thinking I’m a racist.

I’m not even going to start with one with a picture of Katherine Heigl’s underwear this time.

There’s a disturbing trend in popular culture, and by that, I mostly mean comics, movies, and stuff like that, to replace beloved, well-known characters with altered versions that cater to special interests. Now please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not against there being diversity in media, I’m against artificial forced diversity.

Here’s a prime example; Miles Morales. Miles is the newest character to assume the role of Spider-Man in Ultimate Spider-Man. That universe’s version of Peter Parker died and Morales took over as the permanent replacement Spidey. Also, if you’re paying attention, He’s half black and half hispanic, so they could shoehorn in two types of minorities! The higher ups at Marvel have pretty much admitted that they killed Peter Parker so they could replace him with a black guy. Some bullcrap about how the president is black now, so why not Spider-Man? Horseshit. I have no problem with black superheroes, if they’re well-written, they can be awesome, just like white superheroes. Look at Blade, he’s black, he’s also awesome! He’s also a character designed from the ground up to be who he is, not a pandering ploy to draw in minority readers. Blade rules, Miles Morales can fuck himself.

He's not my Spider-Man, I didn't vote for him.

He’s not my Spider-Man, I didn’t vote for him.

 

Now I’m not picking on black people, I’m not a big fan of making a black character white for no reason, luckily, that has only happened twice that I can remember. Baxter Stockman from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (he was black in the original Mirage comics) and Fox from Wanted.

Angelina?

Angelina?

To be fair, once in a while, it turns out ok. I mean, no one can deny that Michael Clarke Duncan’s Kingpin was the best part of the Daredevil movie.

We'll let this one slide...

We’ll let this one slide…

A far more egregious instance of this is in the new Superman reboot movie, Man of Steel, where Perry White is now black (haha, irony), and Jimmy Olsen is now a girl.

But it's more fun to watch him/her/Olsen run now...

But it’s more fun to watch him/her/Olsen run now…

Fishburn is a great actor, and this in and of itself doesn’t bother me, but can anyone tell me what purpose it serves the story to make “Superman’s pal”…well…a JOILF? (Jimmy Olsen I’d like to fuck)

Another instance that’s really boiled my cheese is the “New 52” version of the golden age Green Lantern, Alan Scott. Alan Scott was the first Green Lantern ever to hit comics, and was the original defender of Gotham City. Now…how do I say this sensitively? Now he loves other dudes’ butts.

INSERT "FLAMING" JOKE HERE

INSERT “FLAMING” JOKE HERE

Again, I have no problem with gay people, none whatsoever. Some of my best friends are gay (ooh look, a cliche!) But this actually steps on the toes of diversity. You see, in the old DC continuity, Alan Scott had a son who went by the name Obsidian. Obsidian was a really cool character, unlike his father, whose power was to magically control light, Obsidian could magically control darkness. He also loved other dudes’ butts.

Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

I didn’t care if he was gay though, he was still a cool character, and now he just doesn’t exist, and his father is left holding the gay bag (which is color coordinated to go with anything.

Am I alone here? Surely not. I’d love to hear from some of you about this. Leave a comment, does forced diversity bother you, or am I just a horrible person? Or both?

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An Evening with Uncle Lloyd

I know it’s been a while since I’ve put out a new entry, but I have a valid excuse; college is hard. Still, this reminds me of the best homework I’ve ever had. Story time kids…but first, Katherine Heigl in a bra…

Now that I’ve secured a few more hits, it’s on to the topic at hand. So in my first semester of film school, I was given the assignment of choosing someone in the film industry and writing (but not necessarily sending) what they called a “mentor letter”. Basically a letter asking for guidance and bladdy blah, whatever. I chose the lovely and talented Lloyd Kaufman, president of Troma Entertainment, and creator of the Toxic Avenger.

Why him? Mostly because I had always been a fan of his movies back when I was way too young to be watching them, and he always seemed to come across as a down-to-earth kind of guy, plus I respected his ability to make such classics in a truly independent way.  Fast forward a couple of years, and Lloyd is a guest at Gencon. After taking his “Make your own damn movie” seminar, I go back to the Troma booth in the exhibit hall, and there he is, jawing away with fans, posing for pictures, and confirming my suspicions of down-to-earthitude. I mentioned to him my assignment, and he said that I should have sent the letter, as he would like to read it. He handed me his business card, and I walked away starstruck.

Fast forward to next semester, and I am assigned to find someone in my chosen field and interview them. Great, I thought, this assignment obviously wasn’t made with the film majors in mind, then it hit me. I pulled out Lloyd’s business card and hoped for the best. Graciously, he agreed to be interviewed, and we set up a time for me to call him. With my pre-assigned questions in hand, and butterflies in my stomach, I called. The following is a transcript of the interview…

 

1. What products and/or services do you provide?

“I make movies, and write books.”

 

2. How long have you been in business?

“Troma entertainmennt has been in business since 1974.” It’s the longet running independant film company.
3. What is the ownership structure of your business? (sole proprietorship,

partnership, corporation)

“Closely held corporation.”
4. How did you choose the name for your business?

“Troma is from ancient Latin. Book 2 of the Anied, meaning excellence in celluloid.”
5. Who are your direct competitors?

“The major conglomorates.” Sony, newscorp, viacom, Disney
6. What was the most difficult aspect of opening your business?

“Being taken advantage of by crooks, liars, and lunatics in the movie business, of which about 2% are reliable.”
7. What is the biggest day-to-day challenge in operating your business?

“The biggest challenge for Troma is we are independant and the rules protecting against monopoly have been done away with.”

(He actually started by answering “Trying not to shit my pants”, but I thought maybe I’d leave that part out…in hindsight, I kind of regret it.)
8. What is your biggest reward in operating your own business?

“I think the biggest reward in my business is the satisfaction of creating art. I’m an artist first and a businessman second.”

 

I thanked him for his time, and he actually stayed on the line and chit-chatted for a little while. Needless to say, I got an A on that assignment. A few months later, Lloyd returned to Gencon, and I took his seminar again. He was nice enough to pose for a picture with me and my homework.

I guess the moral of the story here is that sometimes you just have to go for it, I never thought I’d get to interview one of my industry idols, but lo and behold it happened, but enough of this uplifting horsepucky, go buy some Troma DVD’s!

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Costume Ideas for Fat Guys

Convention season is almost upon us again, and I know there are a lot of dudes out there that have the same issue I run into year in and year out, and that problem is that there are limited cool costume ideas for larger men. Now bear in mind that I write this with no malice in my words, but to legitimately help my fat bretheren. I’ve been to enough cons to know that there are enough of us out there to make this an issue, so if I can help even one fat nerd feel cool this convention season, then I will feel as if I’ve done my job…but first…

KATHERINE HEIGL IN A BRA!!! (Hey, I have to get hits, y’know)

Now, on with the show…

VOLSTAGG

Volstagg the voluminous, member of the Warriors Three, and friend to the mighty Thor. This one doubles as a group costume if you have two friends willing to dress up with you, one dashing and one…Asian.

ICE KING

This Adventure Time baddie is a cool and deceptively simple idea. The character himself may not be actually fat, but you’d never know that by looking at him. Plus, Adventure Time has gotten pretty popular lately, so you’lll be asked for plenty of photo ops.

FOLLOWER OF NURGLE

I’ve done this one myself. If you’re into Warhammer 40,o00 then there’s a chance that you’re also a large, scary man. The cultists of the Chaos god Nurgle tend to be a bit on the hefty size. True, in the fiction the Nurgle cultists are bloated with parasites, but it works just as well if you’re bloated with McNuggets like myself.

MOJO

Ok, here’s the deal, if you can figure out how to pull this one off,please let me know how.

THE PENGUIN

This one’s classy, and pretty easy to do. Just find a plus size tuxedo, and top hat, and a monocle, and you’re ready to hit the con and heckle anyone dressed like Batman. This one’s great if you’re a bit on the short side too.

BARON HARKONNEN

He who controls the spice controls the universe, but he who controls the McRib controls the…mobility scooter, most likely. This one’s not 100% accurate without the use of some kind of hover-harness (again, if you figure that one out, please let me know), and an uncontrollable case of face herpes doesn’t hurt the authenticity either.

That’s it for now. If you’ve got some ideas that I didn’t think of, feel free to leave a comment.

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It all turns to crap…

Hello readers. Tonight, I think I’ll scream and swear about things. You may be familiar with this concept. If so, then it won’t come as too much of a shock.

First off though, the obligatory picture of Katherine Heigl in a bra…this time with real-time bouncing action!

Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time for me to go all old-man crazy. You see, it seems that the world is conspiring to take everything I love and make me hate it. I know things change sometimes, but this should be a subtle and painless process. It should not involve violently shitting on the target audience. Allow me to explain.

Star Wars

Now I know it’s become a national pastime to crap on Star Wars, what with all the “wah wah George Lucas raped my childhood” bullshit. I’ve always defended the prequels, even though they weren’t as good as the original trilogy, I thought they were fun movies, and good enough to not accuse the director of sexual abuse. I’ve even enjoyed the Clone Wars cartoon, that is, until halfway through the third season.

Halfway through the third season, they introduced a new character (though that’s a stretch) called Savage Opress. Yes, dumb name, I know. Savage was Darth Maul’s brother, you could tell because he’s basically Darth Maul, only yellow instead of red.

Super fucking creative.

At the end of the season, it is hinted that Darth Maul is still alive, and Savage must go on a quest to find him. We are then left with an entire season to try to forget about this before it’s resolved. Now I’ve not always been the biggest fans of where they’ve taken the Star Wars continuity with the prequel era stuff, but I’ve been ok with it, this though…oy. It’s as if the writers saw that George Lucas took a shit on the floor, so they tried to clean the shit by pissing on it. It’s pretty much a unanimous opinion that Darth Maul was handled badly in Phantom Menace and had too little screen time, but was done was done. That was the thing I always liked about Star Wars (the movies, not the Expanded Universe), dead was dead.

Ok...but how does it poop?

So after what was a mostly painful to watch season, we’re treated with the season finale that involves Savage finding his brother, now crazy with a robot spider body (at least it wasn’t a centipede I guess…), and taking them back to their denmonther who fixes his brain and makes him a pair of cyber legs…WITH MAGIC.

Lieutenant Dan, you got new legs!

I don’t get it, I really don’t.

Comics

I’m a big comic book fan, always have been. My local comic shop recently stopped carrying single issues, in favor of more gaming stuff (more on this later) and graphic novels, and since then I’ve given up cold turkey. Let’s talk about why.

Spider-Man has always been one of my all-time favorite superheroes, and of his supporting cast, Venom was by and large my favorite. This is a common feeling as he’s probably the most popular spider-villain of all time…so Marvel decided to fuck with him. Now, I understand that things change and characters have to evolve, but what a ridiculous back-and-forth Venom has gotten. Eddie Brock, the human half of Venom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, so he sold the Venom symbiote. This led to Mac Gargan, formerly known as the Scorpion, becoming the new Venom for several years. Naturally, the fans still loved Eddie, so what does Marvel do? They put him in a reverse colored costume, and called him Anti-Venom. Stop laughing, I’m not kidding!

Stupid, lazy, or clever? You decide!

But people still wanted Venom, so what does Marvel, in their infinite wisdom do? They put the Venom symbiote on long-time supporting cast member Flash Thompson, who becomes black-ops army Venom…still not kidding.

Hey Spidey, wanna play Call of Duty?

I liked this at first, because I thought it’d go away, but it’s still going! Anyway, this is all personal opinion, at least they didn’t mess with an icon like Superman, right?

Popped collar too? Why, Superman, why?

Superman was a timeless character, and his costume and his personality reflected this.  But somehow DC decided that they wanted a more modern look without the red trunks, and a more cynical attitude. A Superman that took no shit and was willing to kill. They might as well just call him XTREME Superman and have him chugging Red Bull and rocking out to dubstep.

Fuck it, I’ll just go play some D&D…

Dungeons & Dragons

Shit! This too?!? Great. So not long ago, Hasbro released a new edition of Dungeons and Dragons. And edition that wiped the slate clean. An edition that replaced some of the old standbys with stuff that seemed straight out of World of Warcraft. An edition that nobody wanted. Along the way, someone decided that about half of the stuff that everyone knew and loved would be left out and, feeling so distraught without it, the players would shell out additional money to get it back in future supplement books. Pretty sneaky, sis. But for the main book, they had to fill the gaps with something…whhat’s a good replacement for the good old Gnomes…

That dragon has boobs, the nerds will love it!

The backlash on this was enormous, so much so that the previous edition was cleaned up, polished, and released by another company under the name Pathfinder and, in a shocking turn of events that has never happened in the five decades of Dungeons and Dragons, has replaced it in popularity.

But when I play it, I always hear "Careless Whisper" in my head.

That’s enough for now, I’m feeling old and tired, and should probably take my Geritol, so until next time, get off of my lawn!

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