Category Archives: TV

Beloved franchises…that actually mostly suck

We have a lot of long-running entertainment franchises these days that have developed rabid fan followings. With increasing frequency, these franchises crap out sequel after dreadful sequel that are instantly thrown on the pile of loathsome offerings that make us wonder why we ever liked this shit. This usually occurs with film franchises, television tends to get cancelled quickly when it goes to seed, but sometimes this phenomenon occurs within other media. Here now, I take a look at some of these franchises that were terrible far longer than they were good.

HELLRAISER

Look, an Ouya!

Look, an Ouya!

I loves me some Hellraiser, it was one of the most innovative and imaginatively brutal horror series around…briefly. There are nine Hellraiser movies. The first one is great. The second one is quite good. The third one…happened. The fourth one was better than it should have been. The rest were a dumpster fire. Cenobites that throw CDs, kung-fu cowboy demons, and scripts that had Hellraiser stuff hastily tacked on in order to retain the license have made this franchise a fucked-out shell of the genius it once was. One of the sequels even involves Hellraiser being just a big video game…that’s clever, sadly Frankie Munez must’ve been been too busy to be in that one. Too bad Lance Henriksen wasn’t. It’s ok Lance, we still love you.

This series is set for a reboot soon, under the guidance of creator Clive Barker. This is one of the few times I’ve been looking forward to a reboot. Seriously, CDs? Who throws CDs? Maybe the reboot will have a guy throw MP3s…not sure how that would kill people.

Play Freebird...you piece of shit.

Play Freebird…you piece of shit.

HIGHLANDER

I can't find it in myself to make fun of this, it's just too cool.

I can’t find it in myself to make fun of this, it’s just too cool.

Highlander was awesome. It had a rockin’ Queen soundtrack, cool swordfights, and an interesting concept that stirred the imagination. Then Highlander 2 happened. Then everything else Highlander happened. That was a shame. The Highlander sequels involved aliens, wizards, time travel, the Syfy Channel, all kinds of horseshit that’s known to ruin franchises. There have been 4 theatrical releases, a made for tv movie, two television series, an animated series, and an anime movie. Also, the first movie was good.

Some people really liked the TV series, well, the first one, not “The Raven”, but there are also people who enjoy having entire fists shoved up their assholes. Seriously, look it up. Whole human fists.

Just like a fist up the ass, Highlander well overstayed its welcome and ruined all the goodwill it had earned, making us wonder why we ever liked it in the first place. Oh yeah, the Queen soundtrack.

THIS, on the other hand...

THIS, on the other hand…

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

Radical!

Radical!

Man, Sonic the Hedgehog was cool. The running fast, the loop-de-loops, the snarky attitude, the…blast processing, it was great. Then the 90’s ended. Sonic hasn’t had a really good game since Sonic and Knuckles, once the days of 2D platformers ended, Sonic found himself a man without a country. Unable to hang in an era of 3D games and polygons, Sonic hasn’t fared well, yet we just can’t seem to stop making bad attempts to make him seem relevant again, despite more failures than successes.  As painful as it is, it may be time for Sonic to hang up his red sneakers. There’s a farm upstate he could go live on. There’s room to run around there, and other hedgehogs to play with…he’ll be much happier.

Yeah...shit got weird.

Yeah…shit got weird.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

Yaaay!

Yaaay!

Pirates of the Caribbean was a great movie. It was a fun, lighthearted adventure full of interesting characters and cool action. Then they made more of them, and Johnny Depp owes me six hours of my life back. The first sequel, Dead Man’s Chest, wasn’t too bad, but then At World’s End happened, and we were subjected to what felt like days of Jack Sparrow looking for a fucking peanut, and the filmmakers desperately trying to make Elizabeth Swan seem like a likable and important main character, as opposed to an insufferable bag of shit. I had actually forgotten about the latest entry in the series, and I paid money to see it in a theatre, which means I left my house at some point. 25% success rate is not a good number to base your series on.

When I said "grow a personality",  you didn't have to be a dick about it!

When I said “grow a personality”, you didn’t have to be a dick about it!

These are just some of examples that jumped to mind in my sweaty, gravy-induced stupor. I’m sure there are plenty of others out there that eluded me. I contemplated Heroes, but since I haven’t finished it yet, it’d be based on hearsay, and that’s just unamerican, so sound off and tell me some franchises you think were more shit than shinola!

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Love that show!…hate that guy!

As I find myself unemployed once again, I find my TV watching time increasing again. Shocking corollary, huh? Still, I find myself thinking about how some of the shows we find ourselves watching for countless hours seem to have protagonists that aren’t necessarily all that likable. Now I’m not talking about shows like Breaking Bad, where part of the drama is watching the main character slowly change into someone worse than he was when he started. Also excluded are shows like Hannibal and Dexter where we know the protagonist is a monster, but they show us that they’re also a human being. No, what I’m talking about are cases where we’re, so it would seem, supposed to like these characters, but they just…well, suck.
Also, be prepared for spoilers.
WEEDS
She's like, almost 50...sexy, sexy Grandma...

She’s like, almost 50…sexy, sexy Grandma…

 
This one almost fell into that Breaking Bad “watch them go bad” category, but it played out differently. It starts innocently enough, suburban widow sells pot to make ends meet, but the main character, Nancy very quickly turns into someone we don’t like. Not so much because she’s doing something unscrupulous to get by, but because she becomes a self-centered, morally bankrupt little bitch in record time. Between her ruining the lives of everyone around her and fucking any shitheel that can further her selfish whims, she makes Walter White looks sympathetic.
It doesn’t help that this series ran too long for it’s own good. What took 8 seasons that drug on at times, probably could have been cleaned up into a more enjoyable 4 or 5 season run. By the time the series less than satisfying, but still emotionally draining finale rolls around, Nancy has, by way of massive head trauma (seriously), calmed her shit down, but the damage had already been done.
 
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
Oh my gawd, can you believe how low the thread count is on these prison sheets?

Oh my gawd, can you believe how low the thread count is on these prison sheets?

 
Like any good honkey, I binged on two seasons of Orange is the New Black, and shall feel a profound emptiness until more is released. That being said, I noticed that the main character, Piper, quickly went from sympathetic fish out of water to someone I desperately wanted to see get shanked with a sharpened toothbrush handle. 
With it’s well-defined characters, it can be easy to forget that everyone on the show is some kind of lowlife (otherwise they wouldn’t be in prison), but despite Piper’s relatively mild crimes, being screwed over by former lover turned inmate Alex (who’s also a grade-A piece of shit) for muling drugs, her “oh no, I’m a normal girl in harsh surroundings, whatever shall I do?” routine gets real old real fast. Compound that with her straight up cheating on her Finance’, and she goes from annoying to legitimately shitty. Add to that that her cohort, Alex somehow manages to be mindbogglingly pretentious, even in fucking prison, and you’ve quite the pair of fuckups.
Like WeedsOrange is the New Black is the brainchild of Jenji Kohan, who seems to have a knack for compelling dramas starring terrible people.
 
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
 
Why yes, I am that guy from Starship Troopers.

Why yes, I am that guy from Starship Troopers.

 
I’m giving this one partial credit. Most of the cast are relatable, and even likable. The main offender here is Barney Stinson. Egomaniacal, womanizing, conniving, suit-fetishising Barney. Originator of the “Bro Code”, Barney is that friend we all have that would take a blowtorch to your genitals if it’d somehow let him squeeze your sister’s boob. Now stop and think about what kind of situation would cause those particular circumstances. Makes me glad I don’t have a sister. I don’t want my dinky melted just so that bastard can get his stupid paws on that bitch’s filthy tit. God, I hate her.
Nevertheless, everyone loves Barney. I think that’s because he’s not real. I’ve known people frighteningly like Barney in real life, and they’re a lot more fun when they’re trapped in the magic picture box.
And now to secure my spot on the couch…
 
THE GILMORE GIRLS
 
Baphomet and Mephistopholes, bouncy bouncy bounce...

Baphomet and Mephistopholes, bouncy bouncy bounce…

 
Oh damn, it feels good to say it. My wife is a HUGE Gilmore Girls fan. Seriously, she’s like nine feet tall. It’s fucking terrifying. I consider myself a Gilmore Girls survivor. I’ve sat through more hours of this show than I can count. I felt like that poor dude from Clockwork Orange.
 
La la la la lalala la la...

La la la la lalala la la…

 
Seriously, there’s something about this show that feels like a million angry bees in my head that just found out the game’s been rained out. Like…bees that are Raiders fans. I get that this show is not for me. I am not the target demographic.. That being said, I’m not the demographic for mydol either, but boy does it make me feel peppy. 
The thing that seems to elude most people though, is that these bitches are pure fucking evil. I have no problem with strong independent female protagonists, girl power, bubblegum, stickers, all that shit. Good for you, ladies, you can vote now. I vote you make me a sandwich. Regardless though, these women are fucking jerks. Think about it. Every male character in the show is either made a fool of, or manipulated terribly before these succubi get bored and ruin their lives. Take the example of Dean, brother of Dean. Strung along by Harpy the younger for months until the town bad boy shows up. at which point she dumps him like a sack of things you dump. Only when Pouty McHeroes leaves and rejects her and Dead, Brother of Dean is happily married, does she decide to bone him, thus ruining his new freedom…she also leaves him again.
This show could have been called “Two Hot Demons”, and it would have made just as much sense. The degree of shittyness that these two display over the course of…of fuck, the wife’s coming!

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