Tag Archives: babyheadrobots

Cowabunga, quit your bitchin’!

Well, it’s ninja turtle time again. It happens every few years,, and as time has gone on, it seems to get less and less notice each time it happens (kind of like Haley’s Comet). The difference being this time, is Michael Bay is involved. So the prophecy demands, that we must all clutch our collective butts in agony and whine like somebody just dumped pig’s blood on us at prom. You know what I did on my prom night? Huh. do ya? I spent it at my buddy Billy’s house, playing D&D. There was no awkward genital groping for me that night! No siree, So fuck you, people who had sex in high school, fuck you right as you fall asleep!


Sorry. I’m better now.. Anyway, internet whipping boy has brought us another nostalgia fueled popcorn flick to bitch about, and you know what? It’s not as bad as most of the internet would like you to believe. Just like Transformers.

I take it back immediately

I take it back immediately

Let me break this down nice and simple. Ninja Turtles, as a thing, has always been stupid. It started as a joke. It happened to be a joke that sold LIKE CRAZY. Think back to your first memories of TMNT. I’m guessing it involved a Technodrome, Bebop and Rocksteady, maybe some Nutrinos. That was dumb. It was charming, it made for a great line of toys, but it was dumb as hell. Maybe your first version of the turtles was the 2003 series. Shredder was an alien thing. Then he was a Satan. Then…you know what, fuck you too, that shit’s confusing. And dumb. 

What the hell, kids?

What the hell, kids?

A quick summation of the new movie, if I may. Turtles that are ninjas fight an armored ninja called the Shredder who has some stupid plot involving bullshit science, some kung fu happens, someone says cowabunga. Sound familiar? Yup, it’s still the turtles. The origin story has been changed ever so slightly, removing Hamato Yoshi from the equation entirely, and it’s a little bit dumber for it. Again, it’s always been a little dumb. Great, but dumb. Also, this is marketed to a different generation. A dumber generation. Yes, children watching this are dumber than we were. Deal with it. Slap the smartphone out of their hand and make them read a book  if you don’t like what I’m saying, otherwise you’re ok with it. If you’re one of those people holding the original Mirage Comics as a measuring stick, stop it. As much as it hurts me to say it, because I love those books too, but they’ll never make another Turtles like that again. Especially not in movie form. Sadly, it’s just too dark to be marketable to the kiddies. The dumb, dumb kiddies. In that series the lovable heroes straight up kill the Shredder in the first issue, but to be fair, only after he refused to ritualistically commit suicide.



A lot of people are butthurt that the turtles have noses now. Ok, I’ll admit, it was a bit jarring at first. You know what else is jarring? Realizing that the turtles never had noses before. That’s creepy. Some people also hate that the turtles have lips. Guess what, today’s turtles are no less anatomically correct than they ever were. Want to see what turtles really look like?


We’re so quick to criticize everything these days. All the shit that we always dreamed of as kids, live-action movies about GI Joe, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Superman, and so on. A seemingly endless supply of new Star Wars movies on the way. And all we can do is complain. No movie could ever live up to our stupidly impossible expectations, all because we’ve put all the shit from our childhood on pedestals, and act like anything new coming along is just trying to…to…rape our childhoods. We need to just relax and let ourselves have fun. Because there is fun to be had in this stuff, just don’t expect the impossible.

Seriously, I can breathe now!

Seriously, I can breathe now!

I guess my point in all of this was that this new Ninja Turtles movie is dumb. It’s also a lot of fun to watch, stop being so sensitive…it seems like there was something else…

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Right. Just go track down a copy of Soul’s Winter. It’s the only time they managed to turn this whole thing into art.




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In Defense of: The Matrix Trilogy

Before we start, my buddy Brendan Lasalle did an interview with the BS! Podcast (formerly Bear Swarm). He talks a lot about the new edition of XCrawl, some “good ole’ days” gaming stories, and discusses some wrestling stuff (which I plan to touch on some day). Go check it out!


Now, on to the topic at hand…

I still remember going to see The Matrix back in 1999. I remember how vague the marketing was. I remember walking into that theatre having no idea what I was about to see, and I remember being completely blown away by it. It was revolutionary, no pun intended. It was good, and it was almost universally recognized as good, something that you almost never see in today’s age of internet cynicsm.

It was no secret that there was more on the way. I think it was even before the movie had hit home video (I had it on VHS, it was that long ago) that if it did well, it was planned to be a trilogy. We all waited with baited breath for three long years for the follow-up, The Matrix Reloaded, and then we all started bitching up a storm.

Like a bunch of baby robots

Like a bunch of babyhead robots

Why though? What was so bad about the Matrix sequels that we immediately turned our backs on this thing that had been put on so high a pedastal? There have been sequels that have blatantly disrespected their franchises, sure. Highlander 2 deserves everything it gets, it was an afront to the story, but did the Matrix sequels do that? I don’t think so.

Highlander sucks because aliens...

Highlander sucks because aliens…

Personally, I have gone back and forth several times on these movies. I really don’t know how to feel. I think the problems are as deep and complicated as the story itself. We all know the complaints. People say that they became too overindulgent with their effects, reusing the same tricks….and they did. That the allegory of Neo as a Christ-figure was so blantant it boggled the mind…and it did. They say that the films became too pretentious…and they did, one need only watch the scene with Neo and The Architect to see undeniable proof of this.

Let's see just how much bullshit they'll put up with...vis a vis

Let’s see just how much bullshit they’ll put up with…vis a vis

So far there’s not a lot of “defense of” happenning, but I’m getting to that. The point is, I think that if they were attatched to any other franchise, Reloaded and Revolutions would have been perfectly servicable sequels, perhaps even hits. I think the problem with The Matrix as a franchise is The Matrix itself. The first movie was just too good. That’s a terrible defense, isn’t it? I know, but try watching the sequels without the first one…they aren’t that bad.

Whoa, indeed...

Whoa, indeed…

It can be hard to admit, but it’s true. Let’s think about this. The mansion fight and the freeway chase from Reloaded? Pretty damn cool. The mech battle from Revolutions? Kinda badass. The babyhead robot? Visually striking. The Neo vs. Smith fight at the end of Revolutions? Amazing to watch and a scene that influenced superhero fights in movies for years to come. Most fanboys saw that and thought Wow, maybe they CAN pull off a live-action Dragonball Z movie…then Dragonball Evolution happened and…well, they fucked it up. I won’t be defending that movie.


Fuck you, fuck you so hard! Seriously, dude!

Fuck you, fuck you so hard! Seriously, dude!


So, basically the Matrix sequels sucked because the first movie was so damn good. How do you rectify a problem like that? As much as it pains me to say, know when to quit. Reloaded and Revolutions were stories that didn’t need to be told. The end of the first film, much like the rest of it, was just right, from an artistic standpoint. Neo threatening the machine collective (who we didn’t yet realize was a baby) and flying away like Superman set the imagination ablaze, and that’s where the story’s end should have remained. Nothing that came next could have satisfied us. More of the same would just be more of the same, while taking it in new directions and expanding it, which they did, could only serve to disappoint.



You know…I’m not sure if I really defended anything there, but I guess it’s something to think about.

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