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Cool Stuff We Never Got

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, so I thought I’d bring the mood down a bit by discussing some stuff we don’t get to be thankful for. This stuff was all announced, got people moist, and then never materialized. Enjoy…not getting to enjoy.

The Return of Ziggy Stardust

Bask in what could have been!

Bask in what could have been!

Music is a subjective thing. We all have our own tastes in music, and that’s fine. That being said, David Bowie’s The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars is one of the best albums ever recorded. Period. If your particular tastes don’t align with this, then you’re wrong, and I don’t consider you a person. Blech to you. Gross. Anyway, around the turn of the millennium, Bowie stated that Ziggy would be making his triumphant return in 2002 to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the album. This would have included unreleased footage, a stage show, and even a movie, as well of unspecified internet content.

This never happened and we should be sad forever.

On a related Bowie note, I’m still bummed that we never got the followups to 1. Outside, Bowie’s underrated industrial album, with announced sequel album 2. Contamination never arriving.

Holywood-The Novel

I can't think of anything funny to say about this...it's a book.

I can’t think of anything funny to say about this…it’s a book.

In 2000, Marilyn Manson released the third part of his three-part concept album series, Holywood: In the Shadow of the Valley of Death. Say what you want about Manson, but Holywood is my favorite of his catalog. I’m a sucker for a good concept album, but Manson went way down the rabbit hole with this one, even going so far as to pen a novel based on the album. One chapter of the book was even released, and it was something that I would have learned to read in order to enjoy. Sadly, years came and went, other albums came and went, including two back to back breakup albums, and the book never released. Manson still claims that he’d like to released it in some form, possibly as a graphic novel, but at this point I feel it’s time to move on with my life.

The Rifts Movie

Holy crap, where's my Ritalin?!?

Holy crap, where’s my Ritalin?!?

Rifts has always held some notoriety in the RPG community. It looks like it was designed by 14-year olds for other 14-year olds. Spaceships, wizards, robots with skulls all over them, lasers, dogfaced men, and that’s just the table of contents. Rifts has a pretty big following, Disney optioned Rifts for  a movie to be developed by Jerry Bruckheimer in 2004. There was a press release about it, and transcripts of it were passed out at Gencon that year. This could have been a pretty cool thing to see., and could have bought roleplaying games a bit more legitimacy in mainstream media after the dumpster fire that was the D&D movie.

BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED.

World of Darkness…assorted

Can't...quite...reach...

Can’t…quite…reach…

White Wolf’s World of Darkness RPG line has a rabid fan following, but not a stellar track record when it comes to crossing over from the tabletop. They had a couple of pretty good Vampire: The Masquerade PC games, and a couple of batshit crazy Hunter: The Reckoning console game, and a piss poor TV series called Kindred: The Embraced that I desperately wanted to like, didn’t, and still bought on DVD because I don’t learn lessons.

Despite all of this, the rebooted World of Darkness was announced for a couple of media projects that never occurred. in 2004, Vampire: The Requiem, which was a different take on Masquerade, was optioned for a movie by New Line Cinema. Come to think of it, 2004 was a real cocktease for gamers, wasn’t it? There was also a WoD MMO in development for years. The game was recently shitcanned, and several developers lost their jobs.

Star Wars Live Action TV Series

Good enough

Good enough

Several years ago, it was announced that Lucasfilm’s five-year plan for Star Wars was that the Clone Wars series would run for a while, and would generate capitol for a live action Star Wars TV series set between episodes III and IV. Neat idea. Never fucking happened. Now I won’t bitch too much about this one, because in the end Disney bought Lucasfilm, Rebels filled the gap the live action series left and we’re getting actual sequels, the trailer for which dropped today, and I won’t talk about in length because everyone in the world is discussing it right now, so why listen to me? But in all, maybe this one is for the best.

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I Hate Diversity…

Now for a post that will be misunderstood and have people thinking I’m a racist.

I’m not even going to start with one with a picture of Katherine Heigl’s underwear this time.

There’s a disturbing trend in popular culture, and by that, I mostly mean comics, movies, and stuff like that, to replace beloved, well-known characters with altered versions that cater to special interests. Now please don’t get me wrong here, I’m not against there being diversity in media, I’m against artificial forced diversity.

Here’s a prime example; Miles Morales. Miles is the newest character to assume the role of Spider-Man in Ultimate Spider-Man. That universe’s version of Peter Parker died and Morales took over as the permanent replacement Spidey. Also, if you’re paying attention, He’s half black and half hispanic, so they could shoehorn in two types of minorities! The higher ups at Marvel have pretty much admitted that they killed Peter Parker so they could replace him with a black guy. Some bullcrap about how the president is black now, so why not Spider-Man? Horseshit. I have no problem with black superheroes, if they’re well-written, they can be awesome, just like white superheroes. Look at Blade, he’s black, he’s also awesome! He’s also a character designed from the ground up to be who he is, not a pandering ploy to draw in minority readers. Blade rules, Miles Morales can fuck himself.

He's not my Spider-Man, I didn't vote for him.

He’s not my Spider-Man, I didn’t vote for him.

 

Now I’m not picking on black people, I’m not a big fan of making a black character white for no reason, luckily, that has only happened twice that I can remember. Baxter Stockman from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (he was black in the original Mirage comics) and Fox from Wanted.

Angelina?

Angelina?

To be fair, once in a while, it turns out ok. I mean, no one can deny that Michael Clarke Duncan’s Kingpin was the best part of the Daredevil movie.

We'll let this one slide...

We’ll let this one slide…

A far more egregious instance of this is in the new Superman reboot movie, Man of Steel, where Perry White is now black (haha, irony), and Jimmy Olsen is now a girl.

But it's more fun to watch him/her/Olsen run now...

But it’s more fun to watch him/her/Olsen run now…

Fishburn is a great actor, and this in and of itself doesn’t bother me, but can anyone tell me what purpose it serves the story to make “Superman’s pal”…well…a JOILF? (Jimmy Olsen I’d like to fuck)

Another instance that’s really boiled my cheese is the “New 52” version of the golden age Green Lantern, Alan Scott. Alan Scott was the first Green Lantern ever to hit comics, and was the original defender of Gotham City. Now…how do I say this sensitively? Now he loves other dudes’ butts.

INSERT "FLAMING" JOKE HERE

INSERT “FLAMING” JOKE HERE

Again, I have no problem with gay people, none whatsoever. Some of my best friends are gay (ooh look, a cliche!) But this actually steps on the toes of diversity. You see, in the old DC continuity, Alan Scott had a son who went by the name Obsidian. Obsidian was a really cool character, unlike his father, whose power was to magically control light, Obsidian could magically control darkness. He also loved other dudes’ butts.

Yes, you do.

Yes, you do.

I didn’t care if he was gay though, he was still a cool character, and now he just doesn’t exist, and his father is left holding the gay bag (which is color coordinated to go with anything.

Am I alone here? Surely not. I’d love to hear from some of you about this. Leave a comment, does forced diversity bother you, or am I just a horrible person? Or both?

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