Tag Archives: cranky

Cowabunga, quit your bitchin’!

Well, it’s ninja turtle time again. It happens every few years,, and as time has gone on, it seems to get less and less notice each time it happens (kind of like Haley’s Comet). The difference being this time, is Michael Bay is involved. So the prophecy demands, that we must all clutch our collective butts in agony and whine like somebody just dumped pig’s blood on us at prom. You know what I did on my prom night? Huh. do ya? I spent it at my buddy Billy’s house, playing D&D. There was no awkward genital groping for me that night! No siree, So fuck you, people who had sex in high school, fuck you right as you fall asleep!

technical-difficulties1

Sorry. I’m better now.. Anyway, internet whipping boy has brought us another nostalgia fueled popcorn flick to bitch about, and you know what? It’s not as bad as most of the internet would like you to believe. Just like Transformers.

I take it back immediately

I take it back immediately

Let me break this down nice and simple. Ninja Turtles, as a thing, has always been stupid. It started as a joke. It happened to be a joke that sold LIKE CRAZY. Think back to your first memories of TMNT. I’m guessing it involved a Technodrome, Bebop and Rocksteady, maybe some Nutrinos. That was dumb. It was charming, it made for a great line of toys, but it was dumb as hell. Maybe your first version of the turtles was the 2003 series. Shredder was an alien thing. Then he was a Satan. Then…you know what, fuck you too, that shit’s confusing. And dumb. 

What the hell, kids?

What the hell, kids?

A quick summation of the new movie, if I may. Turtles that are ninjas fight an armored ninja called the Shredder who has some stupid plot involving bullshit science, some kung fu happens, someone says cowabunga. Sound familiar? Yup, it’s still the turtles. The origin story has been changed ever so slightly, removing Hamato Yoshi from the equation entirely, and it’s a little bit dumber for it. Again, it’s always been a little dumb. Great, but dumb. Also, this is marketed to a different generation. A dumber generation. Yes, children watching this are dumber than we were. Deal with it. Slap the smartphone out of their hand and make them read a book  if you don’t like what I’m saying, otherwise you’re ok with it. If you’re one of those people holding the original Mirage Comics as a measuring stick, stop it. As much as it hurts me to say it, because I love those books too, but they’ll never make another Turtles like that again. Especially not in movie form. Sadly, it’s just too dark to be marketable to the kiddies. The dumb, dumb kiddies. In that series the lovable heroes straight up kill the Shredder in the first issue, but to be fair, only after he refused to ritualistically commit suicide.

Radical...

Radical…

A lot of people are butthurt that the turtles have noses now. Ok, I’ll admit, it was a bit jarring at first. You know what else is jarring? Realizing that the turtles never had noses before. That’s creepy. Some people also hate that the turtles have lips. Guess what, today’s turtles are no less anatomically correct than they ever were. Want to see what turtles really look like?

Soulswinter

We’re so quick to criticize everything these days. All the shit that we always dreamed of as kids, live-action movies about GI Joe, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Superman, and so on. A seemingly endless supply of new Star Wars movies on the way. And all we can do is complain. No movie could ever live up to our stupidly impossible expectations, all because we’ve put all the shit from our childhood on pedestals, and act like anything new coming along is just trying to…to…rape our childhoods. We need to just relax and let ourselves have fun. Because there is fun to be had in this stuff, just don’t expect the impossible.

Seriously, I can breathe now!

Seriously, I can breathe now!

I guess my point in all of this was that this new Ninja Turtles movie is dumb. It’s also a lot of fun to watch, stop being so sensitive…it seems like there was something else…

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Right. Just go track down a copy of Soul’s Winter. It’s the only time they managed to turn this whole thing into art.

Cowafuckingbunga…

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Back in the day…

I’m getting old. I accept that. I’ve also come to realize that things from my time are just simply better than things from now. Well, mostly. It’s a given that some things, like computers, phones, video games, have progressed and improved over the years. Some things however, like humans, cereal, pizza, well, these things have taken quite a dip in quality.

Strawberry Krispies

Back in the early 1980’s, or as I like to call it, “The golden age of Krispies”, Rice Krispies came in three flavors; normal, chocolate, and strawberry. I’m not talking about that “rice Krispies with strawberries” bullshit either, I mean actual honest to goodness pink Krispies that turned your milk pink.

No one seems to remember this but me.  I say this with all seriousness, I have met one other person that remembers this, and I made him the best man at my wedding. My priorities kick your priorities asses. I can’t even find a picture of Strawberry Krispies on the internet, and this bothers me because you can find pictures of ANYTHING on the internet.

Batman taking a piss. Enjoy.

And that was disturbingly easy to find. But when I look for a picture of Strawberry Krispies?

Thanks, internet. Now get off of my lawn!

Little Caesar’s Pizza

I know what you’re thinking, yes, this is still a thing, but in name only. It, like my faith in my fellow man, is but a hollow shell of what it once was. I spent several months as a telemarketer, I don’t know what Little Caesar’s problem is.

Once upon a time though, that fat little emperor served up the best two feet of artery destroying goodness your once-strong dollar could buy. It came in two square shaped pies of indescribable decadence, loaded with gooey cheese and seductive toppings, wrapped in a a paper container that would be flimsy from all the sumptuous grease by the time you got it home. Yes, I have a boner now. Yes, I’m terribly confused.

Boner! Boner!

But now Little Caesar’s specializes in the “Hot and Ready” pizza, five dollars of shame and alleged cheese with a topping of your choice on a crust that may or may not be cardboard that you make sure nobody sees you take home to whatever hovel your particular shame spiral has led you to, and choke down moistened with your own tears while contemplating a dessert of whiskey and a .44 caliber bullet.

Hot and ready...your experience may vary.

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Filed under Cereal, Humor, Life, Nostalgia