Tag Archives: life

Cowabunga, quit your bitchin’!

Well, it’s ninja turtle time again. It happens every few years,, and as time has gone on, it seems to get less and less notice each time it happens (kind of like Haley’s Comet). The difference being this time, is Michael Bay is involved. So the prophecy demands, that we must all clutch our collective butts in agony and whine like somebody just dumped pig’s blood on us at prom. You know what I did on my prom night? Huh. do ya? I spent it at my buddy Billy’s house, playing D&D. There was no awkward genital groping for me that night! No siree, So fuck you, people who had sex in high school, fuck you right as you fall asleep!

technical-difficulties1

Sorry. I’m better now.. Anyway, internet whipping boy has brought us another nostalgia fueled popcorn flick to bitch about, and you know what? It’s not as bad as most of the internet would like you to believe. Just like Transformers.

I take it back immediately

I take it back immediately

Let me break this down nice and simple. Ninja Turtles, as a thing, has always been stupid. It started as a joke. It happened to be a joke that sold LIKE CRAZY. Think back to your first memories of TMNT. I’m guessing it involved a Technodrome, Bebop and Rocksteady, maybe some Nutrinos. That was dumb. It was charming, it made for a great line of toys, but it was dumb as hell. Maybe your first version of the turtles was the 2003 series. Shredder was an alien thing. Then he was a Satan. Then…you know what, fuck you too, that shit’s confusing. And dumb. 

What the hell, kids?

What the hell, kids?

A quick summation of the new movie, if I may. Turtles that are ninjas fight an armored ninja called the Shredder who has some stupid plot involving bullshit science, some kung fu happens, someone says cowabunga. Sound familiar? Yup, it’s still the turtles. The origin story has been changed ever so slightly, removing Hamato Yoshi from the equation entirely, and it’s a little bit dumber for it. Again, it’s always been a little dumb. Great, but dumb. Also, this is marketed to a different generation. A dumber generation. Yes, children watching this are dumber than we were. Deal with it. Slap the smartphone out of their hand and make them read a book  if you don’t like what I’m saying, otherwise you’re ok with it. If you’re one of those people holding the original Mirage Comics as a measuring stick, stop it. As much as it hurts me to say it, because I love those books too, but they’ll never make another Turtles like that again. Especially not in movie form. Sadly, it’s just too dark to be marketable to the kiddies. The dumb, dumb kiddies. In that series the lovable heroes straight up kill the Shredder in the first issue, but to be fair, only after he refused to ritualistically commit suicide.

Radical...

Radical…

A lot of people are butthurt that the turtles have noses now. Ok, I’ll admit, it was a bit jarring at first. You know what else is jarring? Realizing that the turtles never had noses before. That’s creepy. Some people also hate that the turtles have lips. Guess what, today’s turtles are no less anatomically correct than they ever were. Want to see what turtles really look like?

Soulswinter

We’re so quick to criticize everything these days. All the shit that we always dreamed of as kids, live-action movies about GI Joe, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Superman, and so on. A seemingly endless supply of new Star Wars movies on the way. And all we can do is complain. No movie could ever live up to our stupidly impossible expectations, all because we’ve put all the shit from our childhood on pedestals, and act like anything new coming along is just trying to…to…rape our childhoods. We need to just relax and let ourselves have fun. Because there is fun to be had in this stuff, just don’t expect the impossible.

Seriously, I can breathe now!

Seriously, I can breathe now!

I guess my point in all of this was that this new Ninja Turtles movie is dumb. It’s also a lot of fun to watch, stop being so sensitive…it seems like there was something else…

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Right. Just go track down a copy of Soul’s Winter. It’s the only time they managed to turn this whole thing into art.

Cowafuckingbunga…

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And now, a story about a sandwich…

It’s Superbowl Sunday, and that can only mean one thing; I’m gonna write about the shittiest sandwich I’ve ever made. Also, those two things have precisely dick to do with each other.

Also, let’s just get this out of the way early. I got a lot of hits last time from people searching for pictures of Katherine Heigl in a bra…and I like getting hits.

Mmmm...sandwiches...

So anyway, this story harkens back to the glorious mid-1990’s. I’m about 12 or 13 years old, and both of my parents are at work. I’m home alone, hungry, and apparently not too bright. Also, in desperate need of groceries. I scour the kitchen like a…dude who scours places…for things…maybe Indiana Jones, I don’t know, I just know I was fucking hungry.

So I found two heels of bread, that’s a good start. Next I find a piece of bologna. This bologna was past its prime, but not quite rotten. You know how bologna starts turning all leathery when you leave it in the fridge too long? Well, there was a soft patch in the middle about the size of a quarter. Now, I’ve told this story before, and was asked “why didn’t you just make a bologna sandwich?” I honestly can’t answer that. Needless to say, I did not. I kept looking…and finding. I then found some cream cheese, or as I like to call it “America’s favorite condiment”…and I kept looking. The final component of what would come to be called “The Hell Sandwich” was a packet of Arby’s Sauce. You know, that red shit they put on roast beef sandwiches.

Fuck you, Arby's sauce, you ruined my life.

Naturally, making a sandwich out of these ingredients is a sickening proposal. That’s why I put it in the electric sandwich machine. A few minutes later, I had two scalding hot triangles of pure hate. Hate with charred edges. I took my terrible new meal back to the sofa to consume in front of some terrible syndicated evening television (probably COPS reruns) and, naturally, bit in without letting it cool. What came flooding into my mouth has been officially dubbed “molten terror”. A union of bologna drippings, Arby’s sauce, and melted cream cheese of indeterminate age. It was about 8000 degrees, and tasted like magma that had been stored in a dead hobo’s ass.

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.

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