Tag Archives: nerds

Cowabunga, quit your bitchin’!

Well, it’s ninja turtle time again. It happens every few years,, and as time has gone on, it seems to get less and less notice each time it happens (kind of like Haley’s Comet). The difference being this time, is Michael Bay is involved. So the prophecy demands, that we must all clutch our collective butts in agony and whine like somebody just dumped pig’s blood on us at prom. You know what I did on my prom night? Huh. do ya? I spent it at my buddy Billy’s house, playing D&D. There was no awkward genital groping for me that night! No siree, So fuck you, people who had sex in high school, fuck you right as you fall asleep!

technical-difficulties1

Sorry. I’m better now.. Anyway, internet whipping boy has brought us another nostalgia fueled popcorn flick to bitch about, and you know what? It’s not as bad as most of the internet would like you to believe. Just like Transformers.

I take it back immediately

I take it back immediately

Let me break this down nice and simple. Ninja Turtles, as a thing, has always been stupid. It started as a joke. It happened to be a joke that sold LIKE CRAZY. Think back to your first memories of TMNT. I’m guessing it involved a Technodrome, Bebop and Rocksteady, maybe some Nutrinos. That was dumb. It was charming, it made for a great line of toys, but it was dumb as hell. Maybe your first version of the turtles was the 2003 series. Shredder was an alien thing. Then he was a Satan. Then…you know what, fuck you too, that shit’s confusing. And dumb. 

What the hell, kids?

What the hell, kids?

A quick summation of the new movie, if I may. Turtles that are ninjas fight an armored ninja called the Shredder who has some stupid plot involving bullshit science, some kung fu happens, someone says cowabunga. Sound familiar? Yup, it’s still the turtles. The origin story has been changed ever so slightly, removing Hamato Yoshi from the equation entirely, and it’s a little bit dumber for it. Again, it’s always been a little dumb. Great, but dumb. Also, this is marketed to a different generation. A dumber generation. Yes, children watching this are dumber than we were. Deal with it. Slap the smartphone out of their hand and make them read a book  if you don’t like what I’m saying, otherwise you’re ok with it. If you’re one of those people holding the original Mirage Comics as a measuring stick, stop it. As much as it hurts me to say it, because I love those books too, but they’ll never make another Turtles like that again. Especially not in movie form. Sadly, it’s just too dark to be marketable to the kiddies. The dumb, dumb kiddies. In that series the lovable heroes straight up kill the Shredder in the first issue, but to be fair, only after he refused to ritualistically commit suicide.

Radical...

Radical…

A lot of people are butthurt that the turtles have noses now. Ok, I’ll admit, it was a bit jarring at first. You know what else is jarring? Realizing that the turtles never had noses before. That’s creepy. Some people also hate that the turtles have lips. Guess what, today’s turtles are no less anatomically correct than they ever were. Want to see what turtles really look like?

Soulswinter

We’re so quick to criticize everything these days. All the shit that we always dreamed of as kids, live-action movies about GI Joe, Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Superman, and so on. A seemingly endless supply of new Star Wars movies on the way. And all we can do is complain. No movie could ever live up to our stupidly impossible expectations, all because we’ve put all the shit from our childhood on pedestals, and act like anything new coming along is just trying to…to…rape our childhoods. We need to just relax and let ourselves have fun. Because there is fun to be had in this stuff, just don’t expect the impossible.

Seriously, I can breathe now!

Seriously, I can breathe now!

I guess my point in all of this was that this new Ninja Turtles movie is dumb. It’s also a lot of fun to watch, stop being so sensitive…it seems like there was something else…

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Michael Zulli, I salute you.

Right. Just go track down a copy of Soul’s Winter. It’s the only time they managed to turn this whole thing into art.

Cowafuckingbunga…

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Nerdsploitation

Ah January, what a delightful time to be sick nearly the entire month. Excuse me if I’m not hip to the lingos and goings on of today, but I’ve spent most of the month in a mucus-induced haze…I think something Bieber related happened.

Seriously though, there’s a new paradigm going on lately, one that I thought would be the greatest thing ever, naturally it isn’t. I’m talking about the phenomenon of nerdsploitation. The biggest hit movies of the past few years are based on comic books. More and more TV shows are too with Arrow and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. being such surprise hits and The Flash and young Batman getting shows of their own soon. Video games are mainstream now too. Good luck going fifteen feet in a department store without finding some Angry Birds merchandise, the shit is everywhere.

So how is this bad? Well, the more that nerd culture becomes popular with the mainstream, the more people who don’t know their D20’s from their elbows get in on the act, and that leads to some questionable stuff. Big Bang Theory is immensely popular, and has been on the air for longer than most sitcoms run. I have a love/hate relationship with it, personally. One of my gaming buddies summed it up pretty well, dubbing it “a dumb show about smart people”. He then stuffed a bag of Taco Bell wrappers under my couch for me to find a week later. The show is decently funny, but the show’s so-called nerd protagonists often come across as characatures of what most people think nerds are like. They do wacky stuff like getting their penises stuck in experimental robot hands, stalk Stan Lee until he takes legal action, and become physically unable to speak when a pretty girl is around. JUST LIKE REAL NERDS! Sorry. But in all honesty, the show comes across as if they have one actual nerd on the writing staff to throw out terms that nerds will recognize, even if they’re mishandled. I imagine the rest of the writers give this poor bastard swirlies all the time too. Also, I checked, it’s still not legal to stab people who try to interject lizard and Spock into rock, paper, scissor games. So much for change, thanks Obama.

Look at the nerds! Haha, they're so funny! Shut up!

Look at the nerds! Haha, they’re so funny! Shut up!

 

But it doesn’t end there, the loathsome trend of reality tv has gotten in on the act too. Syfy’s Heroes of Cosplay was an eye-opening look at why pretty ladies wearing elaborate costumes are probably terrible shrews. Seriously, the show could have just as easily been called Oppressed Cosplay Boyfriends. The show followed a bunch of ladies, mostly, who yelled at their boyfriends and husbands while talking shit about the competition and kissing the ass of Yaya Han, who apprently is some kind of cosplay celebrity…who also made her oppressed man-slave do her grunt work while she pranced around boosting her self-esteem. Now they weren’t all terrible, the ladies from Crabcat, who did the amazing Mass Effect costumes a couple of years ago, actually did their work and seemed to be in it for the love of their craft. Still, it casts another facet of nerd culture in a less than stellar light. Now before you get your authentic period-specific steampunk panties in a bunch, I know not all people who make and wear costumes (I’m still not comfortable using the word cosplay…slippery slope) are jerks. Some of them are very nice people, the problem is, very nice people don’t make for good drama.

Just do as she asks, you'll have the last laugh later when it's just you, the photo, and the tubesock!

Just do as she asks, you’ll have the last laugh later when it’s just you, the photo, and the tubesock!

 

Then there’s TBS’s King of the Nerds. Geez, they hit all the sterotypes here, didn’t they? They got the fat bearded guy, the scrawny bookish guy, the nerd-hipster, the chubby (but still pretty enough for American TV) girl, and the pink-haired queen bee, and made them live in a house together and compete to see who becomes our avatar of shame. Oy.

The gang's all here. Dammit.

The gang’s all here. Dammit.

Truly this newfound acceptance into mainstream culture is a double-edged sword. But is it the Vorpal Sword we’ve all been looking for, or must we endure the stereotyping and embarrasment even further, and continue looking for that +5 Holy Avenger that we so rightly deserve?

If that last bit made any sense to you…NERD ALERT!

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