Tag Archives: star wars

Cool Stuff We Never Got

It’s the day after Thanksgiving, so I thought I’d bring the mood down a bit by discussing some stuff we don’t get to be thankful for. This stuff was all announced, got people moist, and then never materialized. Enjoy…not getting to enjoy.

The Return of Ziggy Stardust

Bask in what could have been!

Bask in what could have been!

Music is a subjective thing. We all have our own tastes in music, and that’s fine. That being said, David Bowie’s The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars is one of the best albums ever recorded. Period. If your particular tastes don’t align with this, then you’re wrong, and I don’t consider you a person. Blech to you. Gross. Anyway, around the turn of the millennium, Bowie stated that Ziggy would be making his triumphant return in 2002 to commemorate the 30th anniversary of the album. This would have included unreleased footage, a stage show, and even a movie, as well of unspecified internet content.

This never happened and we should be sad forever.

On a related Bowie note, I’m still bummed that we never got the followups to 1. Outside, Bowie’s underrated industrial album, with announced sequel album 2. Contamination never arriving.

Holywood-The Novel

I can't think of anything funny to say about this...it's a book.

I can’t think of anything funny to say about this…it’s a book.

In 2000, Marilyn Manson released the third part of his three-part concept album series, Holywood: In the Shadow of the Valley of Death. Say what you want about Manson, but Holywood is my favorite of his catalog. I’m a sucker for a good concept album, but Manson went way down the rabbit hole with this one, even going so far as to pen a novel based on the album. One chapter of the book was even released, and it was something that I would have learned to read in order to enjoy. Sadly, years came and went, other albums came and went, including two back to back breakup albums, and the book never released. Manson still claims that he’d like to released it in some form, possibly as a graphic novel, but at this point I feel it’s time to move on with my life.

The Rifts Movie

Holy crap, where's my Ritalin?!?

Holy crap, where’s my Ritalin?!?

Rifts has always held some notoriety in the RPG community. It looks like it was designed by 14-year olds for other 14-year olds. Spaceships, wizards, robots with skulls all over them, lasers, dogfaced men, and that’s just the table of contents. Rifts has a pretty big following, Disney optioned Rifts for  a movie to be developed by Jerry Bruckheimer in 2004. There was a press release about it, and transcripts of it were passed out at Gencon that year. This could have been a pretty cool thing to see., and could have bought roleplaying games a bit more legitimacy in mainstream media after the dumpster fire that was the D&D movie.

BUT IT NEVER HAPPENED.

World of Darkness…assorted

Can't...quite...reach...

Can’t…quite…reach…

White Wolf’s World of Darkness RPG line has a rabid fan following, but not a stellar track record when it comes to crossing over from the tabletop. They had a couple of pretty good Vampire: The Masquerade PC games, and a couple of batshit crazy Hunter: The Reckoning console game, and a piss poor TV series called Kindred: The Embraced that I desperately wanted to like, didn’t, and still bought on DVD because I don’t learn lessons.

Despite all of this, the rebooted World of Darkness was announced for a couple of media projects that never occurred. in 2004, Vampire: The Requiem, which was a different take on Masquerade, was optioned for a movie by New Line Cinema. Come to think of it, 2004 was a real cocktease for gamers, wasn’t it? There was also a WoD MMO in development for years. The game was recently shitcanned, and several developers lost their jobs.

Star Wars Live Action TV Series

Good enough

Good enough

Several years ago, it was announced that Lucasfilm’s five-year plan for Star Wars was that the Clone Wars series would run for a while, and would generate capitol for a live action Star Wars TV series set between episodes III and IV. Neat idea. Never fucking happened. Now I won’t bitch too much about this one, because in the end Disney bought Lucasfilm, Rebels filled the gap the live action series left and we’re getting actual sequels, the trailer for which dropped today, and I won’t talk about in length because everyone in the world is discussing it right now, so why listen to me? But in all, maybe this one is for the best.

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Unpopular Opinions…

Oh yeah, I gots ’em. I think tonight would be a good time to discuss some opinions that many people (possibly even YOU) just plain won’t agree with. Then I’m going to explain why I’m right, so you too can join the path of rightness and agree with me. I’ll spare you all the explanation of why every girl I went to high school with was a lesbian,, and you get +2 smart people points if you get that joke without having to ask.

P.S., we can”t stop here, this is SPOILER country.

DON’T BRING BACK FIREFLY

All our friends are dead, but please, let's entertain you.

All our friends are dead, but please, let’s entertain you.

That’s right, don’t! Now don’t get me wrong, I love Firefly,, it was a great show that should have run at least ten seasons, but did you see Serenity? I did. It wrapped the story up nicely. Sure, there are plenty more stories you could tell about those characters..but I kinda don’t want to see them. Part of what makes Joss Whedon such a great storyteller is his ability to balance an ensemble. He did the impossible with The Avengers, applying his trademark “everyone gets a piece of cake, even Milton” style to Earth’s Mightiest Heroes.

That being said, why would you want to watch a show about a spaceship full of sad people flying around missing their newly dead friends? That’s just messed up, bro.

ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN ZOMBIES

Braaaaaiiiiiins....grow some...

Braaaaaiiiiiins….grow some…

I used to love zombie movies. They were great! You also had to burn a few calories to find them. There just weren’t that many zombie movies back in the day, at least not like today, but when you found one, even if it was awful, it was pretty great.

Nowadays, zombies vare just plain fucking everywhere. When the Xbox 360 launched, Dead Rising was a must-play curiosity, just because of concept (the game itself was maddening, but that’s not the point). Now you can’t swing a dead, well, a reanimated dead human without hitting another zombie game. Not only that, but woe be unto any game that ships without a zombie bonus mode or a zombie-themed DLC.

It’s done. It’s over. Seriously. Let’s move on to something else for a while…how about mummies? Besides, you know you’ve beaten a dead (zombie) horse enough when even Star Wars is getting in on your trend.

Surely you can handle just ONE more...

Surely you can handle just ONE more…

Which leads me to…

THE STAR WARS PREQUELS WEREN’T THAT BAD

Joy? No, we apparently hate that here.

Joy? No, we apparently hate that here.

Sit down junior, and let daddy explain! I know defending the prequels is like saying that Hitler was “kind of cute”, but let’s take a moment to consider this one.

I was watching Attack of the Clones not long ago because the remote was all the way on the coffee table, and I was pretty damn comfy (yes, Episode 2 comfy), when it dawned on me. There were a hundred Jedi running into battle with lightsabers to fight a hundred robots with laser guns…what part of that is bad? If you answered anything but “not a damn thing”, then you need to put your pinky down and drag your pretentious ass to the nearest grain thresher for reprogramming.

No, the prequels were not as good as the OT, but that just makes them bad Star Wars movies, not bad movies, and people seem to love those, just see any zombie movie made after 2003. (see, callbacks can be fun!)

BACON AND BEARDS ARE NOT MEMEWORTHY

No memes for back hair though, and THAT takes talent

No memes for back hair though, and THAT takes talent

In other news, salt is salty

In other news, salt is salty

I’m not going to spend a lot of time on this, but if you can’t find anything better to obsess over than bacon annd beards in the year 2013, then you’re obviously a time traveller from a future so fantastical that you have a right to be jaded by such duldrum like smartphones and porn with clowns in it. (98% of men on Earth can grow a beard, as well as some women). Also, we’ve known bacon was delicious since World War I. Grow up.

Yes, you.

Yes, you.

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